


Complaint Department

by BlackMajjicDuchess



Series: Dicking Around and Other Tales [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Bromance, Customer Service & Tech Support, Dick Jokes, Gen, Humor, Immaturity, Inappropriate Humor, Roommates, complaints
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-04-13
Packaged: 2018-01-19 05:09:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1456672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackMajjicDuchess/pseuds/BlackMajjicDuchess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 3 of an inappropriately hilarious collection of the most epic bromance of the Naruto series.</p><p>Customer service sucks ass. When a well-known rabble rouser comes in to lodge a complaint against him and his buddy, Izumo gets a little creative with the complaint form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Complaint Department

Izumo sat at the Hokage’s desk. It was profoundly uncomfortable, and not just because it was a horrid chair (would it kill the woman to get a cushion?). Izumo was at the Hokage’s desk because she was off a ‘very important errand’ (translation: getting trashed) and she needed someone to ‘hold the fort’ (translation: do her bitch work) until she returned. She probably wouldn’t be back until tomorrow in the afternoon, if her history was any indication. Kotetsu and he had worked out a deal, though, so he was supposed to be here around—he checked the clock real quick—about now, actually. 

Suddenly, the door to the Hokage’s office burst open and a rather enraged looking blonde woman stormed into the office. Izumo groaned inwardly, dreading this confrontation already. It was Kaori Yamanaka, Inoichi’s little sister. She was famed the city throughout for getting ‘all up in yo’ business’ as Kotetsu liked to say. She poked her nose into places it didn’t belong and caused all sorts of drama in any way imaginable. The woman lived for it. Anyone who started a conversation with “I don’t like drama, but…” was Trouble with a capital T.

He sighed, preparing to receive whatever it was she had to whine about today. Business was business. “Good morning, Yama—“

“Save your courtesies for someone who cares,” she snapped. “Where’s the Hokage?”

He plastered his fake, customer service smile on his face. “Lady Tsunade is off on an errand right this moment. Can I help you with something?” _Please come back at another time. Please come back at another time. Please come back…_

“I’d like to lodge a complaint,” she said with a huff, jabbing her fists into her wide hips.

He yanked a sheet of paper out of the drawer and grabbed a pen. “No problem, Yamanaka-san,” he said brightly. “What seems to be the problem?”

“Oh, where do I begin?” she asked rhetorically. “For starters, those boys at the gates. You know, there’s the one with the bandages on his face, and the other one. I never remember what he looks like, though, so drab and plain.”

Izumo’s pen hovered over the page. She was describing him and Kotetsu. _Why me? Why today?_ He wondered. It had been a long day, and right now he’d rather be anywhere—literally, anywhere, even holding up Tsunade’s hair while she puked—but here, receiving a complaint about himself. “Yes?”

“They’re wretched kids. Always getting into trouble, drawing penises on the walls of bathrooms, leering at you and asking you about your business in the Leaf Village, acting like they own the place…”

Izumo started to take notes, feeling dread in the pit of his stomach. _Izumo Kamizuki, Kotetsu Hagane: penis drawings, rude behavior…_ He stared at what he had written, realizing what he’d done. Did he really feel like getting in trouble for drawing dicks on the walls? No, particularly not when he hadn’t drawn dicks on the walls in the first place. That was definitely more like Kotetsu. There was the one time, when he had drawn a particularly large cock on a piece of cardboard, but Kaori wasn’t there, so how could she have known?

So, feeling bold and a little rebellious, he crossed the note he had made out, smiled with smug satisfaction, and looked back at the plaintiff. “Is that all?”

“Is that all? What, is that not bad enough for you?” She crossed her arms, still furious, perhaps more so. “The Chunin exams are coming up. Are we getting public bathrooms this time, or what?”

“I think that we are,” he said carefully, noncommittally. 

“You think?” she parroted. “Well, tell your Hokage that there are a bunch of drunks roaming the streets during the Chunin exams and good honest folk don’t like the look of ‘em. Go on!” She urged, flailing wildly. “Write that down, too, you miserable poff!”

 _Poff?_ he thought. _What is that?_ He frowned, not liking the sound of it. Whatever it was, it was flung as an insult. And so, he did something a little out of character. “I’ve got it. No problem!” He moved the pen, drawing the shaft and balls of one of the penises he had supposedly drawn on the bathroom walls. Smiling with satisfaction, he returned his attention back to her.

It dragged on that way for twenty minutes. The miserable woman had more than enough to complain about, and he got tired of drawing dicks. Instead, he morphed the drawings of penises into a giant cock monster with dick fingers that shot semen lasers out of its mouth. It took every ounce of his energy to keep from sniggering at his own handiwork.

“What’s so funny?” she demanded.

His face adopted a look of pure innocence. “Nothing’s funny. I just love my job,” he said blandly.

“Sarcasm, now?” she sniped incredulously.

“No, Yamanaka-san,” he assured her. “Working for the Hokage carries the greatest honor, and it brings me great pleasure to try to improve the lives of Konoha’s citizens by helping hardworking folk such as yourself. Can I do anything else for you?” he asked pleasantly.

Her head tilted and her eyes narrowed dangerously. “Yeah, you can show me all the notes you’ve taken on our little conversation so I can make sure you didn’t miss anything.” 

His world lurched. No… no he couldn’t do that. He blinked at her, not sure of what to do. He went with, “I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to share the contents of our documents. It’s protected by regulations.”

“Bullshit,” she spat back, calling his bluff. “Let me see it.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Fine. I’ll just wait here until the Hokage returns.”

Damn. He couldn’t just wait here all day and night until Tsunade came back. Where the hell was Kotetsu? “Why do you need to see it?” he stalled.

She smirked. “I want to make sure you didn’t draw a bunch of dicks all over the complaint form, Izumo.”

He blinked. “Why would I do that?” Realization dawned on him. She’d said his name. Which meant... “Heyyy,” he complained, throwing down the clipboard and leveling him with a stare. “Kotetsu!”

She made a sign, and in a puff of smoke, Kotetsu was there, grinning like the idiot he was. “Because whenever people complain too much, I always draw dicks on the page. And even though you’re too serious to do that most of the time, I bet you do it anytime I’m not there to catch you being immature.” He doubled over with laughter. “I’ll admit it, Izumo, you have a lot more patience than I ever would. That was priceless. Now seriously, show me that page.”

“No!” he denied, protecting it with his body.

“Yes, right now! I bet you got really creative with it!” He dove over the Hokage’s desk, sending important mission reports and contracts scattering to the floor, and barreled into Izumo. The horribly uncomfortable chair tipped over with the two of them on top of it in a crumpled heap. Izumo’s death grip let go to try to prevent extra damage to his body.

Kotetsu seized the moment to rescue the complain page and studied it. “Holy shit! Are these dick fingers?” Izumo groaned, his head falling to his hands. Kotetsu was never going to let him live this down. “Cum lasers, too? Aw man… this is _gold_. I’m hanging this on the fridge when we get home. No, better yet, I’m going to get a frame.”

“I hate you sometimes, Kotetsu,” Izumo grumbled.

“I love you, too, you miserable poff.” He righted the chair and sat it in, leaning back upon laced fingers with a deep, contented sigh. “Ah to be Hokage… that is my dream.”

Izumo left shaking his head. Kotetsu as Hokage was a frightening thought, a friggin' nightmare. He got the mental image of a stack of mission reports, but instead of the Hokage’s stamp of approval, all he saw was the stamp of a giant dick flashing a peace sign.

And then he’d _never_ be done doing the Hokage’s bitch work.


End file.
